The Perfect Vanity
I’ve been wanting to write about this topic for some time. It’s been difficult for me to put myself out there. Obviously we all have insecurities and are self-conscious. I didn’t struggle until I was about 17. Not that I was confident before, but I was a little bit of a tomboy (I still may be in ways). It wasn’t until I was 17 that I started caring so much about my looks, especially my weight. I cared so much so that I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Yes, I finally admitted it. No one with an eating disorder actually wants to admit that there is something wrong. However, in order for me to accept me the way I am, I need to also accept the things I did wrong to make myself look the way I wanted too. This is my story of how I perceived vanity.
I’ve always been so difficult on myself and I have always been my toughest judge. I can’t tell you why or how it started, but I know I was in my late teens when I felt like I needed to look a particular way. Of course I did not want anyone to know about it, so I made sure it didn’t get too extreme to the point where anyone could tell something was going on. I ate in the morning and during lunch just fine. If I felt like I was eating too much for dinner I would force myself to vomit. I thought my younger sister knew, but when I admitted to my sisters last year that I suffered from an eating disorder, she didn’t mention that she knew. As most with eating disorders, there’s a shame towards it. We know we should not be doing it, but the problem is so complex. There’s so much to it and reasons why anyone does this, including anxiety and depression. I didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t okay.
When I started SF State and was living in the dorms, I monitored what I ate all the time. I didn’t not want to gain more weight. I would go running and workout in the dorm room. But I was not forcefully making myself vomit. I was healthy. Then during the second year, I moved into an apartment. That’s when things escalated. I ate very little, and when I did, I worked out to lose what I had just eaten. During college, when I was at my skinniest, it was also the most unhealthiest I have been. I got down to a size 0!! My old pediatrician knew something was wrong with me and every time I took my niece or nephew to the doctor’s, she’d make me get on the scale and would tell me I’m losing weight too fast. My current doctor had mentioned it too, and advised I see a psychiatrist. I was in denial that there was something wrong. I remember I got to a point where I was eating just vegetables, and portioned it to the size of my palm. Then I’d run in place, do push ups and crunches right after eating. My roommate, who I shared a room with was never there, so it was easy to go into there and workout. I wasn’t eating breakfast and lunch consisted of coffee and hot chocolate just to keep me full. I’d have just a handful of vegetables for dinner, and then I would run in place to exercise off what I had just eaten.
It got to a point where you could see my ribs poking out. That’s when I got scared and realized I needed to eat a little more. Still, 6 months went by before I started getting “healthier.” I started eating a lunch and eating meat again. Our lease for the apartment was ending that June after the Spring semester, so I decided to move back home. I knew that would be better for my health. My dad offered to continue paying for the apartment, but I knew what I needed to do to get healthier. I knew having others around would hold me accountable. What I didn’t realize was the anxiety of it. Oh my, was I upset if I didn’t eat certain things at a certain time. I would snap at my parents, my sisters, and just everyone. I got a gym membership and if I didn’t go to the gym, I would be upset. Yes, I was eating, I wasn’t forcefully vomiting, but I worked out not to be healthy, but to lose the calories I ate throughout the day. I was extremely cautious about what I ate throughout the day.
Between the ages 23-24, I felt I was the healthiest I had been in about 6 years. I was eating just fine, I was working out to be healthy. My anxiety was still bothering me, but not because of my weight. I was running 10k’s, half marathons, and I felt great about myself. Ohhhh, if I could only be 29 years old again. That was the best physical and mental state I have been in. I did the tough mudder that summer and ran a full marathon in December. Then after the full marathon, what I didn’t consider was what was going to happen to my body after that. I wasn’t running up to 8 miles in the weekday and 13+ miles on the weekends. My metabolism did not know what to do after that, and boy did it slow down. I gained some weight after that full marathon. But after the one I ran when I was 31, my body completely changed. I put on 10. I’ve now realized that running those distances isn’t good for my body in the long run (no pun intended). My body isn’t designed to keep weight off easily. I’ve come to terms with that, however it still bothers me and my self-esteem has been the lowest it’s been.
After I turned 30, although I worked out just hard and ate just as healthy, I gained weight. I went from living with my parents to living with my now husband, Lucas. I didn’t purge or exercise after I ate because I didn’t want Lucas to know. For about a year to 2 years, I held in how I felt about myself. I have not felt good about myself for the last year and a half. After Lucas proposed, some would ask me if I’d “hit up the gym more.” I demonstrated exercises for a living, did my 1 hour workout daily, and ate healthy. What more do all these people expect me to do? Did it bother me? Of course! I noticed one day that my eating disorder was coming back. I remember this specific moment when I realized what was happening. I went running 5 miles, then came home to eat lunch and after lunch, I felt like I needed to run again to burn the calories I had just eaten. Luckily, I knew what was happening and made an appointment with my doctor as soon as possible.
For me, there’s a fine line between losing weight and watching what I’m eating and having an eating disorder. It’s an ongoing issue and it will continue to be an issue until I become comfortable with myself. One of the things I can’t stop thinking about is how am I going to lose the weight after having a baby (and I’m not even pregnant yet!). How long will it take for me to lose that weight? I don’t want it to be a struggle. I also have been losing weight now, but I still need others around me know about my past and current issues so that they can keep me accountable, not for losing the weight, but to make sure I am doing it in the healthiest ways. Just on Sunday, I didn’t eat until 3 pm, and I ran right before. I made sure to let Lucas know that I am attempting to lose weight, but not to let me do something like that again; my run was awful and I felt so guilty for what I was attempting to do. All signs of an eating disorder are coming back to me.
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a really long time. But, like with others have suffered with an eating disorder. I am first in denial. After I realize what is going on, I feel guilty. I finally told my mom about this earlier this week. I didn’t provide as much details as you all are reading here, but in order for me to feel comfortable about posting this, I needed to tell her. Coming clean to my sisters was another big deal. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. With my parents, sisters, and Lucas, I have all the support around me to know that I am going to be okay. I am in the process of attempting to shed 10 pounds, but I’m doing my best to do it the healthiest way possible.
Here are some statistics that I obtained from the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa website:
General statistics:
At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S.
Every 62 minutes at least one person dies as a direct result from an eating disorder.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
13% of women over 50 engage in eating disorder behaviors.
In a large national study of college students, 3.5% sexual minority women and 2.1% of sexual minority men reported having an eating disorder.
In a study following active duty military personnel over time, 5.5% of women and 4% of men had an eating disorder at the beginning of the study, and within just a few years of continued service, 3.3% more women and 2.6% more men developed an eating disorder.
Eating disorders affect all races and ethnic groups.
Genetics, environmental factors, and personality traits all combine to create risk for an eating disorder.
Nearly most cases, the individual also suffers from depression and anxiety disorders.